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Weird Boats

The biggest collection of Canoe Jokes, Kayak Jokes, Weird Boats, Quirky Bits and Homespun Philosophy on the entire web. (Unless you know different!)

Diggers, eh?  Don'tcha just love 'em!  The  following question and answer was collected from last year's Geography GCSE exam  results in Swindon, Wiltshire. Q:  Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.  A:  Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like  grit, sand, dead sheep and  canoeists.     An expedition kayaker gets lost in a chain of deserted islands. Paddling well after sunset he finally camps on a sandy beach. He wakes up and notices the sand is dark red. The sky is dark red. He walks around and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!"	Q. How do you get a professional kayaker off your doorstep? Q. Pay him for the pizza.
	A lovesick kayaker wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone that doesn't meet his standards. He went on to explain the young lady must be cute, short, enjoys cold water and paddling. He received a reply the following week. It contained a picture of a penguin.
Does a roaring trade apparently. Thanks to Heather for this one.	Top Excuses for Having a Swim 2005-6. (Notice that they're all from blokes ...) 1).I was teaching Laura to headbang (Julian). 2).I lost my sense of direction and walked into the canal (Peter). 3) It was dark and I walked into the canal.   (Graham) 4) I stepped into the canal instead of my boat (Graham). 5) Mick got out of the canadian before I did ... (Keef). 6). I tried to seal launch a discovery - one end stuck in the mud, one end stuck on the bank and me stuck in the middle. (Chris). 7) We were playing football outside the club, and I stepped backward ... (Roger - or was it Iain?) 8) I will learn to do that d@mn draw stroke with wings! (Ian Mc) 9) I went through a growth spurt overnight and I forgot to adjust my seat (Matthew Mc)
A Polynesian Legend: How the Reef Was Formed. A man named Letao on Majuro is famous in the Marshall Islands for his strength, and also for the tricks and practical jokes that he played on others. At one time Letao admired the canoe of a king and made a plan to trade for it. He decided to build an attractive, but useless, canoe and fool the king into thinking that the canoe of Letao was superior to that of the king. A beautiful wood that is strong and shines (called "kone" wood) is unique because it will not float. Letao built his attractive canoe from this wood and shined and decorated it. Then he went to visit the king of Laura and offered to exchange canoes. The king said that he would come to look at the canoe on the following morning. When the sun set, Letao pulled his canoe to the shoreline. At low tide he piled a number of large stones at a place offshore, and dragged his canoe on the top of them. Thus, in the morning, when the king arrived, the canoe of Letao appeared to be floating on the surface of the lagoon. The king was so impressed with the appearance of Letao's canoe that he gave up his proven craft in exchange for a canoe he had never sailed. Letao hurried away, leaving the king ashore admiring his new boat. He sailed quickly towards the pass leading to the open sea. The king waded out into the lagoon and boarded his new craft, but when he tried to paddle away, his canoe would not move. He paddled harder, and suddenly his craft was pushed from the rocks, sank, and rested on the bottom of the lagoon. The king, wet and furious, yelled for his subjects to pursue and capture the tricky Letao. As canoes raced after Letao, he laughed and sang. As his pursuers closed in, Letao kicked up sand and coral from the bottom of the lagoon. This caused reefs that blocked their way to form. Still laughing and singing, Letao was last seen sailing into the sea beyond Majuro. If one visits Majuro today, most people can tell stories of the popular Letao. And the reefs and sandbars in the lagoon are evidence that the story of Letao and the kone wood canoe is true.	One for the Ladies ... Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and paddled himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.   Q.Why did the Roger cross the Atlantic? A: To get to the other tide. Australian Canoeist: Did you have a nice summer? Scottish Canoeist: Yes indeed, we had a great paddle that afternoon. Q. Why did the elephant rent a canoe? A. Frankly, I don't know, but I wish someone would find out--he's sunk five of our boats in the last week alone. Q. Why do open canoeists wear sandals? A: So they can count past 10.
A playboater has a nasty ride down a very chunky rapid. After he bounces off the last rock, he rolls up and starts checking out the damage. His friend comes over and asks if he's all right. "No, it hurts everywhere!" "Everywhere?" "Yeah, look. When I touch here (pointing to his nose) it hurts. When I touch here (pointing to his elbow) it hurts. When I touch here (pointing to his shoulder) it hurts. When I touch here..." "I know what the problem is ... your finger's broken!"	How many playboaters does it take to change a light bulb? 9; 1 to change it and 8 to lie about the size of the hole. How many slalom paddlers does it take to change a light bulb? 4; 1 to change it and 3 to go: Nice Turn. Nice Turn. Nice Turn. Q:What's the difference between a digger and a catfish? A: One has whiskers and smells bad, and the other one's a fish.
NEW YORK - If Michelle Kosinski's canoe had sprung a leak on NBC's "Today" show Friday, she didn't have much to worry about. In one of television's inadvertently funny moments, the NBC News correspondent was paddling in a canoe during a live report about flooding in Wayne, N.J. While she talked, two men walked between her and the camera _ making it apparent that the water where she was floating was barely ankle-deep.   And here's the video clip (ignore the George Bush bit at the start)...  http://www.paddlermagazine.com/news/?ACT=READ&number=166   Why didn't the kayaker cross the road? He couldn't find the proper ferry angle.	An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said, "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop." They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency. "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist. "Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"
"Hello? Floods Hotline?"
The Humourist's Guide to White Water Gradings. Grade I: If you swim, you just get back in your boat ... and your friends all laugh at you. Grade II: If you swim, you grab your boat and paddle, swim to shore  ... and your friends all laugh at you. Grade III: If you swim, you get bruised a little, your friends gather up your boat and paddle ... and they all laugh at you. Grade IV: If you swim, you get the cr*p beaten out of you; it takes your friends awhile to find  your boat and paddle... and then they all laugh at you. Grade V: If you swim, your paddle is never seen again, one of your friends gets to keep your boat, another keeps your significant other, they split your life insurance, and at the memorial service  ... they all laugh at you.
		Left It could be a Star Wars theme party, or a "Dr Who monsters unmasked" event. Whatever it is, Ray seems to be enjoying himself. Hard work, these business trips ...
		Left:  Stability problems sorted. Graham's won this boat on www.ebay.co.greenland and is nipping across to collect it next week.
One that Neville and Bill might appreciate. A friend of mine once built a canoe.  He spent a long time on it and it was a work of art. Almost the final phase was to fill both ends with polyurethane expanding foam. He duly ordered the bits from Mr Glasplies (an excellent purveyor of all things fibreglass) and it arrived in two packs covered with  appropriately dire warnings about expansion ratios and some very good notes on how to use it. Unfortunately he had a degree, worse still two of them. One was in Chemistry, so the instructions got thrown away and the other in something mathematical because in a few minutes he was merrily calculating the volume of his craft to many decimal places and the guidelines got binned as well. He propped the canoe up on one end, got a huge tin, carefully measured the calculated amounts of glop, mixed them and quickly poured the mixture in the end of the canoe (The two pack expands very rapidly).  I arrived as he was completing this and I looked in to see the end chamber over half full of something Cawdor's Witches would have been proud of.  Two thing occurred to me, one was the label which said in big letters: "Caution - expansion ratio 50:1" (or something similar) and the other that the now empty tins said "approximately enough for 20 small craft" Any comment was drowned out by a sea of yellow brown foam suddenly pouring out of the middle of the canoe and the end of  the canoe bursting open.  My friend screamed and leapt at his pride and joy which was knocked to the ground as he started trying to bail handfuls of this stuff out with his hands. Knocking the craft over allowed the still liquid and not yet fully expanded foam to flow to the other end of the canoe where it expanded and shattered that end as well. A few seconds later and we had a canoe with two exploded ends, a mountain of solid foam about 4ft high growing out of the middle, and a chemist firmly embedded up to his armpits in it. At this stage he discovered the reaction was exothermic and his hands and arms were getting very hot indeed.  Running about in small circles in a confined space while glued to the remains of a fairly large canoe proved ineffective so he resorted to screaming a bit instead. Fortunately a Kukri was to hand so I attacked the foam around his hands with some enthusiasm.  The process was hindered by the noise he was making and the fact he was  trying to escape while still attached to the canoe. Eventually I managed to hack out a lump of foam still including most of his arms and hands.  Unfortunately my tears of laughter were not helping as they accelerated the foam setting. Seeking medical help was obviously out of the question, the embarrassment of having to explain his occupation  (Chief Research Chemist at a major petrochemical organisation) would simply never have been lived down. Several hours and much acrimony later we had removed sufficient foam (and much hair) to allow him to move again. However he still looked something like a failed audition for Quasimodo with red burns on his arms and  expanded blobs of foam sticking everywhere. My comment that the scalding simply made the hairs that the foam was sticking to come out more easily was not met with the enthusiasm I felt it deserved. I forgot to add that in retrospect rather unwisely he had set out to do this deed in the hallway of his house(the only place he later explained with sufficient headroom for the canoe - achieved by poking it up the stairwell. Having extricated him we now were faced with the problem of a canoe construction kit embedded in a still gurgling block of  foam which was now irrevocably bonded to the hall and stairs carpet as well as several banister rails and quite a lot of wallpaper. At this point his wife and her mother came back from shopping......   Oh yes - and he had been wearing the pullover Mum in law had knitted him for his birthday the week before.

A Useful Little Guide if You're Planning to Shoot Weirs ...
(Borrowed from Calgary Paddlers, Canada © 2002 by David Petterson )

International System for Rating Rapids

Grade I, Easy. 
Fast moving water with riffles and small waves. Swimming is pleasant, shore easily reached. A nice break from paddling. Almost all gear and equipment is recovered. Boat is just slightly scratched.

Grade II, Novice. 
Straightforward rapids with wide, clear channels which are evident without scouting. Swimming to eddies requires moderate effort. Climbing out of river may involve slippery rocks and shrub-induced lacerations. Paddle travels great distance downstream requiring lengthy walk. Something unimportant is missing. Boat hits submerged rock leaving visible dent on frame or new gash in plastic.

Grade III,Intermediate. 
Rapids with moderate, irregular waves which may be difficult to avoid. Water is swallowed. Legs are ground repeatedly against sharp, pointy rocks. Several eddies are missed while swimming. Difficult decision to stay with boat results in moment of terror when swimmer realizes they are downstream of boat. Paddle is recirculated in small hole way upstream. All personal possessions are removed from boat and floated in different directions. Paddling partners run along river bank shouting helpful instructions. Boat is munched against large boulder hard enough to leave series of deep gouges. Sunglasses fall off.

Grade IV, Advanced. 
Water is generally lots colder than Class III. Intense, powerful but predictable rapids requiring precise swimming in turbulent water. Swimming may require `must' moves above dangerous hazards. Must moves are downgraded to `strongly recommended' after they are missed. Sensation of disbelief experienced while about to swim large drops. Frantic swimming towards shore is alternated with frantic swimming away from shore to avoid strainers. Rocks are clung to with death grip. Paddle is completely forgotten. One shoe is removed. Hydraulic pressure permanently removes waterproof box with all the really important stuff. Paddle partners running along stream look genuinely concerned while lofting throw ropes 20 feet behind swimmer. Paddle partners stare slack-jawed and point in amazement at boat which is finally pinned by major feature. Climbing up river bank involves inverted tree. One of those spring loaded pins that attaches watch to wristband is missing. Contact lenses are moved to rear of eyeballs.

Grade V, Expert. 
The water in this rapid is usually under 42 degrees F. Most gear is destroyed on rocks within minutes if not seconds. If the boat survives, it is need of about three days of repair. There is no swimming, only frantic movements to keep from becoming one with the rocks and to get a breath from time to time. Terror and panic set in as you realize your paddle partners don't have a chance in heck of reaching you. That hole that looked like nothing when scouted, has a hydraulic that holds you under the water until your lungs are close to bursting. You come out only to realize you still have 75% of the rapid left to swim. Swim to the eddy? What #%^&*#* eddy!? This rapid usually lasts a mile or more. Hydraulic pressure within the first few seconds removes everything that can come off your body. This includes gloves, shoes, neoprene socks, sunglasses, hats, and clothing. The rocks take care of your fingers, toes, and ears. That £900.00 dry suit, well it might hold up to the rocks. Your paddle is smashed. If there is a stopper, well, just hope it is old and rotten so it breaks. Paddle partners on shore are frantically trying to run and keep up with you. Their horror is reflected in their faces as they stare at how you are being tossed around! They are hoping to remember how to do CPR. They also really hope the cooler with the beer is still intact. They are going to need a cold one by the time you get out! Climbing out of this happens after the rapid is over. You will probably need the help of a backboard, cervical collar and Z-rig. Even though you have broken bones, lacerations, puncture wounds, missing digits & ears, and a concussion, you won't feel much pain because you will have severe hypothermia. Enjoy your stay in the hospital: with the time you take recovering, you won't get another vacation for 3 years.

The Philosophy of Paddling?

    The American businessman was at the pier of a small South Pacific Island village when an island fisherman docked his small outrigger canoe. The fisherman had a dorado and several large grouper in the canoe. The American complimented the Islander on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Islander replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Islander said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a late afternoon nap with my wife, Helia, stroll into the village each evening where I sip rum and play guitar with my friends, I have a full and busy life."

    The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.You would need to leave this small fishing village and move to Australia, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

    The South Seas fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
    "But what then?"
    The American laughed and said, "That's the best part.When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
    "Millions, really? Then what?"

    The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a late afternoon nap with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings here you could sip rum and play your guitar with your friends."

You May Be a Paddler If …

-you can't drive over a bridge without looking for water under it

-you love it when it rains during the week

-you wash hang whilst driving on the M40

-you lean to the right whilst turning left on your bicycle

-you attempt a slap support whilst skateboarding

-you tie down the boat better than you seatbelt in the kids.

-your friends or relatives are shocked when you answer the phone at home on a
weekend.

-your idea of a complete first aid kit is a roll of duct tape

-your boat is worth more than your car

 -you measure major purchases relative to the cost of a new boat...('Hmmm, that new computer will cost me about 2 ¼ kayak units')

-when your non boating friends visit your home or your car they ask "Do you have dogs?"

-you leave your glasses strap on at night

-the dog you bought after your friends last visited loves to roll in your pile of paddling clothes.

-you no longer find a shirt and tie uncomfortable as both are more tolerable than dry cag neck seals

-you are fascinated by the recirculation of water in the sink when you turn the tap on full blast

-you pay attention to adverts mentioning wings

-you find yourself kicking the clutch pedal when driving instead of using the steering wheel

-you approach a car parking space at a 45 degree angle, crash into the kerb, leap out and attempt to sling the car over your shoulder.

The Top Ten Ways The Sport Would Be Different If Microsoft Built Kayaks:

10. A particular model year of kayak wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

9. Every time you wanted to try a new paddle, you would have to buy a new kayak.

8. Occasionally your kayak would stop dead in the water for no apparent cause. No amount of paddling would budge it. You would have to tow it back to the launch site and restart your kayak. For some strange reason, you would simply just accept this.

7. Two people could not both paddle your kayak unless you paid extra for a '95 kayak or NT kayak in which case you would also have to buy an extra seat and expensive new charts.

6. A sophisticated marketing blitz would make you feel like a second-rate tasteless slacker for failing to upgrade your kayak. OOPS -- wait a minute -- that's ALREADY happening.

5. Sun Microsystem would make a kayak with 70% less hull drag, half the weight, watertight in all conditions and twice as stable. Unfortunately, it could be used on only 5% of the existing rivers.

4.Your Microsoft kayak's compass, weather radio, and sump pump would be replaced with a single "General Kayak Fault" warning light.

3. The enthusiast press would get people excited about the "new" features of Microsoft kayaks, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

2. Microsoft's inconsiderable owners manual would spawn a whole cottage industry of outsiders who would write hundreds of books explaining how to paddle your Microsoft kayak. Amazingly, we would buy all they printed.

1. If you wanted to go kayaking in a group with your club members or friends (known as Network Kayaking). EVERYONE in the group will have BUY special group kayaking accessories however, only one member of the group (known as the kaysysop) would have the foggiest notion of exactly what they did and no one else would be permitted operate them

Funny old things, names …

 Simon Fowler FILM SWOONER

Christopher Jones CHEER, OR JOHN SPITS  

Dom Murphy HYDRO MUMP

Captain Kirk A PINK CAR KIT

Robert Knight BRIGHTER KNOT

Darren Miles RAN RED SLIME

Carl Warland CARNAL DRAWL

Dave Chapman MADCAP HAVEN

Bill Weir I BREW ILL

Leighton Buzzard DAZZLER BOUGHT IN

Playboating PLAY AT BINGO or BAT LIP AGONY or YAP AT GOBLIN

And what to call a Racing Kayak when you fall out … 

A YACKING ARK

Top Excuses for Having a Swim (2004 edition)

1.      I was playing polo in a lightning. (Alice)

2.     My paddle hit a dead fish (Carl)

3.     My paddle got stuck in the mud (Dom)

4.     My hands slipped.

5.     I was drinking a cup of tea. (Neville)

6.     He pushed me. (Heather)

7.     I forgot I wasn’t using wings … (Captain Kirk)

8.     There was this big boat at Henley … (Graham)

9.     I hit a swan.

10.  A swan hit me.

11.  I put my hand on a nettle at second lock. (Carl)

12.  Chris’s dog licked my ear as I was getting in. (Dom)

13.  I was in a K2 with Graham.

14.  I was trying to wash hang. (Mark T)

15.  I did a slap support with the edge of the paddle (Dom)

16. We were chatting (Hilary & Julie)

17.  I didn’t see the barge coming. (Laura)

18.  I left my paddle on the bank. (Heather)

19.  Somebody moved the bank.

20.  I swallowed a fly.

21.  Graham told me the boat was stable (Melanie)