(19 September 2003, Virginia) Another day, another rugby player...

Hurricane Isabel whipped shallow creeks into raging rivers, before she calmed down to a violent tropical storm. What better time for a canoe trip? Especially at 2:30 in the morning, on a moonless night? Enter "Blumpkin" 21, captain of the University rugby team, described as "insane, just indestructible."

He left his own party with friends who "thought it would be all ha, ha and funny" to take the canoe straight down Blacks Run Stream, to Blumpkin's old house.

Winds were gusting to 50 mph, as nearly a foot of rain fell on the Shenandoah Valley. The Boy Scout canoe merit badge says, "If in doubt... survey the water from shore. Do not run any but the mildest rapids unless you have a guide who knows the river. Wear life jackets in all rough water." Surely Blumpkin noticed that the knee-deep water of Blacks Run was now a flood churning higher than his head. Nevertheless he launched, and just as quickly capsized, the boat occpuants tossed into the swift storm-fed stream.

Our "indestructible" friend Blumpkin was sucked underwater twice, to resurface at dawn, 100 yards downstream with a Darwin Award clutched in his fist. His female companion managed to reach shore, as did his male companion, who knew it "wasn't a good idea from the start."

Whether alcohol or drugs were involved, Chief Peavy was not allowed to comment.

Fifteen Reasons Why Paddling Is Different From Sex 
Stolen from Georgia Paddling Association and adapted.

1. You watch a leaf bobbing down a stream and you start to pick out the 
     best lines for it.
2. Your feet have year round “flip flop” tan.
3. You describe your house as being on road right. 
4. You refer to non-paddlers as “civilians”.
5.  When you go swimming you get changed in the car park.

6. You have a pathological hatred of anglers and rowers.

7. When teaching your young children road safety, you refer to the pavement 
     as "the bank".

8. When teaching your daughter to drive, you tell her to break in/out of the traffic. 

9. You can identify the make and model of a kayak on top of a car from a quarter 
    of a mile away.

10. You are utterly unable to find your car in a car park if you have removed the 
     v-bars.
11. your choice of chocolate bar revolves around how waterproof the packaging is.

12. You have a Pavlovian response to phrases such as "Are you ready?" and "
    Attention!"

13. All career, personal, and financial decisions are judged by the criteria of  
     "How will this increase my paddling time?
14. "Waterproof" means "a little damp" or "might-float."
15. Red boards on the Thames are seen as  an invitation.
16. If you live in a town with a river running through it, you give street directions 
      with descriptions like "upstream of the ..." 
17. When adjusting the seat in your car, you automatically reach for the wing nut.

18. If someone mentions "First Aid Kit" you visualise a roll of duct tape.

You begin to suspect that the Wildwater Race might be a bit out of your league when...                 Stolen from http://www.angelfire.com/bc/rbp/joke/league.html

1. At the start of the run, friends ask "Just curious, but where did you put your car keys?"
2. You feel the irresistible urge to tighten your helmet strap when looking at the upcoming section of the river.
3. You see your friends playing rock-paper-scissors for your gear.
4. Spectators nudge one-another as you approach a weir.
5. You find yourself thinking of all the things that you still want to do in life.
6. You meet shaky, white-faced survivors returning from the bank scout trail.
7. People begin to recognize you by the bottom or your boat.
8. You forget to paddle....just sit there with your paddle over your head and slobber.
9. Everyone gets their cameras out when they see you getting into your boat.
10.People pull out throw bags, cell phones and First Aid kits as you begin your run...
11. More than 2 people with video cameras follow you..
12.The water has way too much air to paddle through but slightly too much water to breathe.

The Navy and the Air Force decided to have a C7 canoe race on the River Thames. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed. The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.

A "Logisitics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Navy had 6 sailors paddling and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman paddling and 6 officers and NCOs steering.

So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were paddling.

To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes: the canoeing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 3 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.

They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman paddling the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Canoe Team Quality Programme", with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the paddler. "We must give the canoeist empowerment and enrichment through this quality programme."

The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.

Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the paddler for poor performance. Initiated a £4 billion programme for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather paddling jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.

Meanwhile, the Army team is still trying to figure out why the paddles keep making divots in the grass when they're paddling.

River Traffic

• MT = Merrie Thames, river Thames passenger boat, runs between Richmond and Teddington lock....great wash, nice driver (see Wash Hanging)
  YB = Yarmouth Belle, another passenger boat, naff wash, naff driver
  Gin Palace = Big pleasure cruisers usually driven by "Pompous Twits" (PT)
  Scullers = Mortal enemies, stealth bombers sometimes crewed by PT's
  Women's Eights = Often crewed by 8 young things in lycra
  Men's Eights = Often crewed by young PT's
  Rowing boats - hired = Often seen mid river, rowing against the tide. Fun to watch, sometimes need rescuing
  Raft = Pontoon giving club paddlers access to river (below the club connected to towpath by a ramp)
  PLA = Port of London Authority launch
  Lifeboat = Newly installed at Teddington, responsible for more capsizes than any other boat.....

River Furniture

• Darkness = Inky stuff, used for paddling in during the winter (with reluctance). Name of a band but we have not been
  able to get their opinion on paddling yet
  Glovers = Small Island above and to the right of club, used for time trials and faffing around
  Eel Pie = Island, three times larger than Glovers, 2K from club, right hand side (looking downstream) gives 500M+ race
  The Beach = Mud and sand above Eel Pie (on left going upstream), good for capsizing & frolicking

• PT = Pompous twits
  TPT = Tow Path...er..rhymes with bottie?
  Seniors = Well...varies but can mean old, Fast, Slow, Elite and occasionally Tiddly Wink champions
  Juniors = Whippersnappers who quite often don't know their place
  Committee = Those who couldn't get their hands down quick enough at the last AGM

• Big Plan = Sort of plan that is more statement of "desirable outcome" than "intent" but certainly involves
  a top three place in Mens B final at the Nationals next year though might have to downgrade that to "Top
  three finish in anything"
  Power Circles = Sort of satanic rite thing, 5 pointed star and all that
  Stroke Phase = Bit rude but can be helpful to analyse it
  Hydodynamic lift = The buzz you get from falling in
  Catch = as in "...I can't catch those damn juniors..."
  Winging = making it up
  Rotation = Something to do with crops?
  Draw stroke = Possibly illegal
  Bow rudder = I thought the steering bit was at the other end?
  Support stroke = Applause heard when someone falls in
  High brace = A bit like High Tea without scones
  Low brace = Back support for veterans
  Slap support = Firm, open handed blow applied to hysterical paddler
  Interval training = Tiring stuff, best avoided
  Le Mans Start = Have to run to your boat at the start. Sounds daft and probably is.
  Monte Carlo starts = Bit like Le Mans start but more of a lottery
  Wash hanging = considered cheating by those who can't do it. Arrestable offence when sprint racing
  Cheating = see "Wash Hanging"
  Burn = Setting fire to competitors boats.
  Regatta = Sprint racing, often in Nottingham, with a party on the Saturday night
  Marathon = Long distance stuff, generally no party

Diggers, eh?  Don'tcha just love 'em!  The  following question and answer was collected from last year's Geography GCSE exam  results in Swindon, Wiltshire. Q:  Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.  A:  Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like  grit, sand, dead sheep and  canoeists.   An expedition kayaker gets lost in a chain of deserted islands. Paddling well after sunset he finally camps on a sandy beach. He wakes up and notices the sand is dark red. The sky is dark red. He walks around and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!"

Two penguins are paddling their canoe across the Sahara Desert. The first penguin says to the second penguin, "Where's your paddle?" The second penguin says, "Sure does!"

How many slalom paddlers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One  to change it and three to go: "Nice Turn. Nice Turn. Nice Turn."

How many Sprint Racing officials does it take to change a light bulb?
"Change? Why does it need changing: it's been this way for years and worked fine."

How many rowers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just the one. He holds it up and waits for the world to revolve around him.

He received a reply the following week. It contained a picture of a penguin.

Q. How do you get a professional kayaker off your doorstep?

Q. Pay him for the pizza.

Does a roaring trade apparently. Thanks to Heather for this one.

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Canoe.
Canoe, who?
Canoe come over and play?  

Top Excuses for Having a Swim 2005-6. (Notice that they're all from blokes ...)

1).I was teaching Laura to headbang (Julian).
2).I lost my sense of direction and walked into the canal (Peter).
3) It was dark and I walked into the canal.   (Graham)
4) I stepped into the canal instead of my boat (Graham).
5) Mick got out of the canadian before I did ... (Keef).
6). I tried to seal launch a discovery - one end stuck in the mud, one end stuck on the bank and me stuck in the middle. (Chris).
7) We were playing football outside the club, and I stepped backward ... (Roger - or was it Iain?)
8) I will learn to do that d@mn draw stroke with wings! (Ian Mc)
9) I went through a growth spurt overnight and I forgot to adjust my seat (Matthew Mc)

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and paddled himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

Q.Why did the Roger cross the Atlantic?
A: To get to the other tide.

Australian Canoeist: Did you have a nice summer?
Scottish Canoeist: Yes indeed, we had a great paddle that afternoon.

Q. Why did the elephant rent a canoe?
A. Frankly, I don't know, but I wish someone would find out--he's sunk five of our boats in the last week alone.

Q. Why do open canoeists wear sandals?
A: So they can count past 10.

Q: What's the difference between an open canoeist and a catfish?
A: One has whiskers and smells bad, and the other one's a fish.

NEW YORK - If Michelle Kosinski's canoe had sprung a leak on NBC's "Today" show Friday, she didn't have much to worry about. In one of television's inadvertently funny moments, the NBC News correspondent was paddling in a canoe during a live report about flooding in Wayne, N.J. While she talked, two men walked between her and the camera - making it apparent that the water where she was floating was barely ankle-deep.   And here's the video clip (ignore the George Bush bit at the start)...  http://www.paddlermagazine.com/news/?ACT=READ&number=166

Why didn't the kayaker cross the road?
He couldn't find the proper ferry angle.

The Humourist's Guide to White Water Gradings.
Grade I: If you swim, you just get back in your boat ... and your friends all laugh at you.
Grade II: If you swim, you grab your boat and paddle, swim to shore
 ... and your friends all laugh at you.
Grade III: If you swim, you get bruised a little, your friends gather up your boat and paddle
... and they all laugh at you.
Grade IV: If you swim, you get the cr*p beaten out of you; it takes your friends awhile to find
 your boat and paddle... and then they all laugh at you.
Grade V: If you swim, your paddle is never seen again, one of your friends gets to keep your
boat, another keeps your significant other, they split your life insurance, and at the memorial service
 ... they all laugh at you.
 

 Left It could be a Star Wars theme party, or a "Dr Who monsters unmasked" event. Whatever it is, Ray seems to be enjoying himself. Hard work, these business trips ...

One that Neville and Bill might appreciate.
A friend of mine once built a canoe.  He spent a long time on it and it was a work of art.
Almost the final phase was to fill both ends with polyurethane expanding foam.

He duly ordered the bits from Mr Glasplies (an excellent purveyor of all things
fibreglass) and it arrived in two packs covered with  appropriately dire warnings
about expansion ratios and some very good notes on how to use it. Unfortunately he 
had a degree, worse still two of them. One was in Chemistry, so the instructions got thrown 
away and the other in something mathematical because in a few minutes he was merrily 
calculating the volume of his craft to many decimal places and the guidelines got binned

as well.

He propped the canoe up on one end, got a huge tin, carefully measured the calculated
amounts of glop, mixed them and quickly poured the mixture in the end of the canoe 
(The two pack expands very rapidly).  

I arrived as he was completing this and I looked in to see the end chamber over half full 
of something Cawdor's Witches would have been proud of.  Two thing occurred to me, one was 
the label which said in big letters: "Caution - expansion ratio 50:1" (or something similar) 
and the other that the now empty tins said "approximately enough for 20 small craft"

Any comment was drowned out by a sea of yellow brown foam suddenly pouring out of the middle
of the canoe and the end of  the canoe bursting open.  My friend screamed and leapt at his 
pride and joy which was knocked to the ground as he started trying to bail handfuls of this 
stuff out with his hands.

Knocking the craft over allowed the still liquid and not yet fully expanded foam to flow to 
the other end of the canoe where it expanded and shattered that end as well. A few seconds 
later and we had a canoe with two exploded ends, a mountain of solid foam about 4ft high 
growing out of the middle, and a chemist firmly embedded up to his armpits in it.

At this stage he discovered the reaction was exothermic and his hands and arms were getting 
very hot indeed.  

Running about in small circles in a confined space while glued to the remains of a fairly 
large canoe proved ineffective so he resorted to screaming a bit instead. Fortunately a 
Kukri was to hand so I attacked the foam around his hands with some enthusiasm.  The process 
was hindered by the noise he was making and the fact he was  trying to escape while still 
attached to the canoe.

Eventually I managed to hack out a lump of foam still including most of his arms and hands.  
Unfortunately my tears of laughter were not helping as they accelerated the foam setting. 
Seeking medical help was obviously out of the question, the embarrassment of having to explain
his occupation  (Chief Research Chemist at a major petrochemical organisation) would simply 
never have been lived down. Several hours and much acrimony later we had removed sufficient 
foam (and much hair) to allow him to move again. However he still looked something like a 
failed audition for Quasimodo with red burns on his arms and  expanded blobs of foam sticking 

everywhere. My comment that the scalding simply made the hairs that the foam was sticking to 
come out more easily was not met with the enthusiasm I felt it deserved.

I forgot to add that in retrospect rather unwisely he had set out to do this deed in the 
hallway of his house(the only place he later explained with sufficient headroom for the 
canoe - achieved by poking it up the stairwell. Having extricated him we now were faced with 
the problem of a canoe construction kit embedded in a still 

gurgling block of  foam which was now irrevocably bonded to the hall and stairs carpet as 
well as several banister rails and quite a lot of wallpaper.

At this point his wife and her mother came back from shopping......

Oh yes - and he had been wearing the pullover Mum in law had knitted him for his birthday 
the week before.

Just Clueless, Basically…

 Shakespeare often included a fool for light relief. Dom filled the role well in two races over a November weekend. Approaching the end of the second lap portage of Cardington Lock in the Great Ouse Race, and eager to get to the head of the group, he flung his Europa into the water … just a shame he didn’t hang on to the grab handle. As the boat skittered across the river and was caught in the current, there was only one option. It wasn’t the most graceful of dives, but the boat was retrieved, and (much to the amusement of a passing Mr Jones) a deep water entry executed.

Three old paddlers are drifting gently downriver on a quiet Sunday morning when a funeral procession drives by. One of the old men takes off his hat & puts it over his heart. The procession disappears into the distance; the old man puts his hat back on, picks up his paddle and continues on his way. One of the other old guys says, "Hey, Fred, that was thoughtful of you". Fred replies "Well, it was the least I could do after 49 years of marriage."

A. Graham in a boat is liable to tip.

From the introduction to "A Kayak Full of Ghosts",  Eskimo Tales", gathered and retold by Lawrence Milman ISBN 0-88496-267-9

Even today, the Eskimo displays very little gustatory qualm. Near Fort Chimo, Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I thought, crowberries. One taste told me the truth. They weren't crowberries, but caribou droppings cooked in seal fat. I declined any more. The man who offered them to me shrugged and continued to pop them into his mouth like salted peanuts. 

The Frenchman said, “I take ze poison”. The chief gave him some poison. The Frenchman said “Vive la France!” and drank the poison down and died.

The American said, “A pistol for me, Bub.” The chief gave him a pistol. The American pointed it at his head, said “God save the President!” and blew his brains out.

The Banbury paddler said, “A knife, please”. The chief was puzzled, but he shrugged and gave him a fork. The Banbury paddler took the fork and started jabbing himself all over: the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There was blood gushing out all over the ground and all over everyone. It was horrible.

The chief was appalled, and screamed, “What are you doing???”

The Banbury paddler looked at the chief and said, “So much for your canoe!”

Two inuits sitting in a kayak were getting cold so they decided to light a fire in their boat. It promptly sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A blonde was driving down the road when she looked to her left and saw another blonde paddling her canoe in a field of crops.
She pulled over, got out and shoute to the blonde in the canoe, "It's blondes like you that give blondes like me a bad name! You're lucky I can't swim, else I'd come over there and sort you out!

Chris was walking through the countryside one day when he came to a deep, wide river with a very powerful current. As he looked around wandering how to cross he saw Ray on the other bank. He shouted over "Ray, how do I get to the other side". Ray looked up and down the river and shouted back "But Chris, you are on the other side!"

You May Be a Paddler If …

-you can't drive over a bridge without looking for water under it

-you love it when it rains during the week

-you wash hang whilst driving on the M40

-you lean to the right whilst turning left on your bicycle

-you attempt a slap support whilst skateboarding

-you tie down the boat better than you seatbelt in the kids.

-your friends or relatives are shocked when you answer the phone at home on a
weekend.

-your idea of a complete first aid kit is a roll of duct tape

-your boat is worth more than your car

 -you measure major purchases relative to the cost of a new boat...('Hmmm, that new computer will cost me about 2 ¼ kayak units')

-when your non boating friends visit your home or your car they ask "Do you have dogs?"

-you leave your glasses strap on at night

-the dog you bought after your friends last visited loves to roll in your pile of paddling clothes.

-you no longer find a shirt and tie uncomfortable as both are more tolerable than dry cag neck seals

-you are fascinated by the recirculation of water in the sink when you turn the tap on full blast

-you pay attention to adverts mentioning wings

-you find yourself kicking the clutch pedal when driving instead of using the steering wheel

-you approach a car parking space at a 45 degree angle, crash into the kerb, leap out and attempt to sling the car over your shoulder.

Ten reasons for buying a heavy canoe.

10 - You're spouse never has to worry about you kayaking alone because you'll need a friend to get the kayak to the water 

9 - In reference to number 10, you'll find out fast who your real friends are 

8 - Gravity is on your side when heading down river

7 - Icebergs will part from your path at the first site of your TC2 

6 - You can create interesting washes on the canal 

5 - Narrowboats get out of your way 

4 - Gun turrets on deck are allowed

3 - Cool retracting portage wheels 

2 - No-one's going to nick it - not on their own, anyway 

1 - Finally an excuse to get a REALLY big car

    The American businessman was at the pier of a small South Pacific Island village when an island fisherman docked his small outrigger canoe. The fisherman had a dorado and several large grouper in the canoe. The American complimented the Islander on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Islander replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Islander said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a late afternoon nap with my wife, Helia, stroll into the village each evening where I sip rum and play guitar with my friends, I have a full and busy life."

    The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.You would need to leave this small fishing village and move to Australia, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

    The South Seas fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
    "But what then?"
    The American laughed and said, "That's the best part.When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
    "Millions, really? Then what?"

    The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a late afternoon nap with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings here you could sip rum and play your guitar with your friends."

The Top Ten Ways The Sport Would Be Different If Microsoft Built Kayaks:

10. A particular model year of kayak wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of before.

9. Every time you wanted to try a new paddle, you would have to buy a new kayak.

8. Occasionally your kayak would stop dead in the water for no apparent cause. No amount of paddling would budge it. You would have to tow it back to the launch site and restart your kayak. For some strange reason, you would simply just accept this.

7. Two people could not both paddle your kayak unless you paid extra for a '95 kayak or NT kayak in which case you would also have to buy an extra seat and expensive new charts.

6. A sophisticated marketing blitz would make you feel like a second-rate tasteless slacker for failing to upgrade your kayak. OOPS -- wait a minute -- that's ALREADY happening.

5. Sun Microsystem would make a kayak with 70% less hull drag, half the weight, watertight in all conditions and twice as stable. Unfortunately, it could be used on only 5% of the existing rivers.

4.Your Microsoft kayak's compass, weather radio, and sump pump would be replaced with a single "General Kayak Fault" warning light.

3. The enthusiast press would get people excited about the "new" features of Microsoft kayaks, forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for years.

2. Microsoft's inconsiderable owners manual would spawn a whole cottage industry of outsiders who would write hundreds of books explaining how to paddle your Microsoft kayak. Amazingly, we would buy all they printed.

1. If you wanted to go kayaking in a group with your club members or friends (known as Network Kayaking). EVERYONE in the group will have BUY special group kayaking accessories however, only one member of the group (known as the kaysysop) would have the foggiest notion of exactly what they did and no one else would be permitted operate them

Top Excuses for Having a Swim (2004 edition)

1. I was playing polo in a lightning. (Alice)
2. My paddle hit a dead fish (Carl)
3. My paddle got stuck in the mud (Dom)
4. My hands slipped.
5. I was drinking a cup of tea. (Neville)
6. He pushed me. (Heather)
7. I forgot I wasn’t using wings … (Captain Kirk)
8. There was this big boat at Henley … (Graham)
9. I hit a swan.
10. A swan hit me.
11. I put my hand on a nettle at second lock. (Carl)
12. Chris’s dog licked my ear as I was getting in. (Dom)
13. I was in a K2 with Graham.
14. I was trying to wash hang. (Mark T)
15. I did a slap support with the edge of the paddle (Dom)
16. We were chatting (Hilary & Julie)
17. I didn’t see the barge coming. (Laura)
18. I left my paddle on the bank. (Heather)
19. Somebody moved the bank.
20. I swallowed a fly.
21. Graham told me the boat was stable (Melanie)  

Funny old things, names …

Christopher Jones CHEER, OR JOHN SPITS  
Dom Murphy HYDRO MUMP
Robert Knight BRIGHTER KNOT
Carl Warland CARNAL DRAWL
Bill Weir I BREW ILL
Leighton Buzzard DAZZLER BOUGHT IN
Playboating PLAY AT BINGO or BAT LIP AGONY or YAP AT GOBLIN
And what to call a Racing Kayak when you fall out …
A YACKING ARK